"Pop"

I have procrastinated updating the blog and writing this post, as I have known that I couldn’t just move on without acknowledging what my family has been through the past several months. I also knew that finally sitting down to write this would no doubt bring on the tears that I have buried deep and have been able to repress at times, and the heartbreak that I try to forget. Even now, I read back to what I’ve just written, and recognize that a part of me is still in denial, realizing that my first line is about “acknowledging what my family has been through”, and not “acknowledging that my father has passed away”. I had said at one point, towards the end of my father’s life, that I was all cried out, then realized that the statement wasn’t true, as I broke down into sobs just mere hours later upon the realization that his life was truly coming to an end. And though the time between tears gets longer and longer, there are still times, like this morning, that it hits me all over again and I can’t help but let the tears and sadness take over me.

While there is no need here to go into the details of the last weeks and days of my Pop’s life, I will share that he was surrounded by those he loved and who loved him back dearly. For the last two weeks while he was in ICU, my brother, sisters, mother and I were camped out in his hospital room practically holding vigil in the hopes that he would improve, and simply wanting to be by his side and my mother’s side. This time with my siblings, while, for an awful reason, was a time that I will forever cherish. Never before have we all spent so much time together as just siblings, and shared so many stories, tears, and laughter. Even moments after my father left this earth, we were laughing through our tears and the silly and stupid things my family does. And as we have talked about since his passing, this time that brought us closer together as siblings and as a family was what my dad wanted and made him leave this world happy.

People often ask how I’m doing, and the response is usually “fine”. There are good days, and there are bad days. There are days that it just hits me like a ton of bricks from out of nowhere. Like when Matt and I recently had a fabulous date night and stopped by a souvenir store after dinner to just browse. I saw something that I knew Pop would like, and turned to Matt to say “I should get this for Pop” – which is when I remembered. Or when I was on vacation with my mom in San Francisco last week and her phone rang, and I immediately thought "oh, it's probably Pop calling to check on her". And there are other times, like this morning in a Dr’s appointment, when I knew the topic would be brought up or the question would be asked “are both your parents living” or “do either of your parents have any illnesses”, and as much as I prepared myself for it, the tears came and I just couldn’t bring myself to say the words.

The words that I CAN find are the following: My father was an amazing man, he loved his wife, his children and his grandchildren with all of his heart. He married my mom and took on the task of being a “stepfather” to my three older sisters, all who were under the age of 10 when they got married, and did his best to raise them as his own children. He gave up his weekends and week nights throughout the majority of my youth and teenage years dragging my butt all over the east coast and the US to various softball, basketball and volleyball practices and tournaments. I have never heard a bad word uttered about him, other than maybe from a referee he was yelling at in my HS or College years! I am so blessed to not only have been able to have spent last 2.5 years closer to him, but to have been able to say goodbye to him and tell him how much I loved him, as I know the not everyone has that opportunity. I was blessed to be by his side, and to hold his hand through his last breath. And I was blessed to have him as my father.